


Why Jane Foster Needs Caffeine

by AlmostBriarRose



Series: Steve Rogers vs. Coffee [5]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Coffee, Jane is a ninja, Multi, like seriously, utter crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-10 18:21:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11697273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlmostBriarRose/pseuds/AlmostBriarRose
Summary: Jane's doctor wants her to cut back on caffeine, but this proves to not be as good of an idea as they think. Steve is really in for it.





	Why Jane Foster Needs Caffeine

**Author's Note:**

> I took some inspiration from that Family Guy episode where Barry went off his meds, can you tell? I just want Jane to be terrifying sometimes.

Steve groaned as he left the gym, rolling his shoulder. He had landed badly on it while sparring with Nat, and had continued to go four more rounds after that. He was going to regret it for a couple hours, but he was fairly sure it would be healed before dinner. He pressed the button for the elevator, running a hand through his sweaty hair. His phone rang, and he dug it out of his bag before he answered it blindly as the elevator doors opened.   
“’ello?” he said, punching the button for his floor as he slouched against the back wall.   
“Hey, Steve, you’re muscley and good at finding people and scientist wrangling, right?” came Darcy’s voice. It was strained, and Steve’s brow furrowed.   
“What’s up, Darce? Something wrong?” he asked, standing up straighter, gripping the strap on his gym bag tighter. He pressed the override button on the elevator, which ground to a halt. “Where are you?”  
“Just come to the lab,” she said. “I promise nobody’s bleeding.” There was a crashing noise and Darcy groaned. “But that could change soon.” She hung up with a click, swearing as she did so. Steve shoved his phone back in his bag and tightened the strap on it. He punched in the lab’s floor and rolled and popped his joints while he waited for the doors to open. He wanted to be prepared for anything. The doors opened and he barreled down the hallway to the lab, skidding to a stop in the doorway. He pressed the button to open the door until the sliding doors hissed open. Steve rushed into the lab, stopping short and almost falling when he took in the scene in front of him. Darcy was seated in the middle of the floor, pouting. She was covered in some sort of goo and Steve had to stifle a laugh at her expense.   
“What the fuck happened to you?” he asked, grabbing the spare towel out of his gym bag and tossing it to her. She grunted her thanks as she wiped the purple-ish goop off of her face.  
“Jane’s not allowed to have tons of coffee anymore, and she’s not handling it well,” Darcy replied. “Do you have a spare shirt in there, by any chance? And a hair band?” Steve dug around, managing to produce one of Nat’s hair ties and a clean Mets shirt. “Thanks.”   
Steve turned his back to Darcy as she wiped as much goo out of her hair as possible before moving to change her shirt. “Why isn’t she allowed to have coffee? Also, what is that stuff?” asked Steve, peeking over his shoulder to see that Darcy was done changing, her hair piled on top of her head in a messy, goopy bun. Darcy was trying to wipe as much of the goo off her pants as she could, having abandoned her shoes and socks entirely.  
“Her physician wanted her to cut back, wants her to actually sleep more often. It took a solid week to convince her that catnaps after she and Thor were rolling around for three hours wasn’t what her doctor meant,” grumbled Darcy. “And I can never remember the actual science-y name, but it’s basically inter-dimensional lube. It makes portal travel for large objects – namely Thor – easier.” Steve raised an eyebrow, chuckling as Darcy stuck her tongue out at him. “I know what you’re thinking, and stop it. The first few times we used the machine, Thor came back with inter-dimensional floor burns.” Darcy paused as she ran her fingers through her hair. “I realize how all of this sounds. It’s not safe for sex, by the way.”  
“Okay, okay,” he laughed. “Now, what’s next?”  
“You help me find a tiny, vengeful scientist,” she said, pulling her – thankfully clean – phone out of her pocket. She pressed a button and held it to her ear. “Pep, we’ve got a Code Columbia.” She said. Steve let out a snort at the code name, only avoiding full-on laughter because Darcy had the balled-up towel covered in the purple goop aimed at his head. He held his hands up to block it in case she threw something. “Yeah, Janey’s on the hunt. Thanks, hon.”   
“Code Columbia?” asked Steve, still grinning. Darcy’s blue eyes were tired, and she glared up at him.   
“I know where we keep the space lube, and I will not hesitate to dump it on you,” she growled. “We have to go find my best friend now. She’s officially not allowed to buy coffee anywhere, but Thor is our flight risk.” Steve nodded, shouldering his bag again and shooting a text to Nat to keep an eye out for Jane. Darcy rolled her shoulders and stretched out her arms before making her way out of the lab. They began to walk down the hall, Darcy peering into other labs and closets.  
“Bruce! Have you seen Jane?” she said into the intercom that was hooked up to his door. He was apparently working with heavy radiation, according to the notice outside his lab. There was a crackling noise from Bruce’s end of the intercom, and Darcy’s eyes darted up to the door.  
“No, sorry,” he said back, a video screen coming to life. Bruce wasn’t wearing radiation gear and Darcy narrowed her eyes at that fact. He looked like he hadn’t slept much in the past few days, ad Darcy frowned. “Let me know if you need anything.”   
“You’re in decontamination by six this evening,” she said. “Otherwise I’m coming in after you.”   
“Yes ma’am. Hi, Steve. Good luck finding Jane!” he said, smiling at them. The screen went black, and Darcy rolled her eyes.   
“He won’t listen,” she offered, and Steve agreed with a shake of his head. He opened his mouth to speak, but there was a soft shifting noise and Darcy’s hand slammed over his mouth. She looked up at the ceiling suspiciously. “Damn, she’s in the fucking vents again.”  
“What the hell? Isn’t that Clint’s thing?” asked Steve, brow furrowing as he listened, catching small clangs and shuffling noises from the duct system. There was a soft curse, and Steve’s ears pricked up to follow the noise. It passed Bruce’s lab and moved towards the elevator.   
Darcy shrugged, “Caffeine apparently suppresses Jane’s natural spy instincts. Also, she and Clint play drunk tag up there sometimes.” She moved down the hallway, locating the nearest vent opening, and, sure enough, the screws were loosened. “She’s probably heading towards the kitchens. J, can you direct her there?” She pulled the vent cover off and reached inside, pulling out a pair of flats and a rumpled sweater. “Shit.”  
“Of course, Darcy,” replied the AI.   
Darcy took a deep breath and pulled her upper body into the vent. “JANE, COME OUT OF THE VENTS THIS INSTANT!” she yelled, hefting herself further into the vent.  
“NO!” came Jane’s reply, moving further away.   
“Fuck,” spat Darcy, dropping back to the floor. She turned to Steve, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Okay, you’re going to get to the kitchen and intercept her there. I’m going to follow her and make sure she doesn’t try to change course,” ordered Darcy, and Steve nodded, turning and sprinting for the stairs. Jane chose that moment to start climbing for the next floor up. “JANE, GET DOWN HERE NOW!” roared Darcy, running after the clanging noises towards the elevator. 

.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

Steve reclined against the counter in the kitchen, eyes locked on the vent grate over the island. There was a loud rattling noise from a few feet away, and Steve moved quickly, looking like he was distracted by the large cupcakes he had found on the counter when he walked in. (He didn’t have to try very hard.) The vent opened, and Jane suddenly dropped out of it, bare feet landing on the counter. Her light brown hair was falling out of its braid, and her eyes were sharp, grabbing all the details out of the room. She was standing like she was ready to jump on him and take him down.  
“Hey there, Jane,” he said, waving with the cupcake he had just claimed. She bared her teeth and growled.   
“Do you know where Darcy is?” she asked, her voice low and dangerous-sounding. Steve’s eyes darted towards the partially-full coffee maker on the counter and he planned out exactly how to move to keep her away.  
“Uh, not really. What’s up?” he asked, taking a bite of the cupcake and suppressing a moan of delight. Damn, they were good.  
“No reason. Hey, is there coffee?” Jane suddenly relaxed her posture and hopped off the counter. “I smell it, so someone had to have made some recently.”  
Steve cleared his throat and positioned himself in front of the coffee maker. “Maybe you should go get some sleep instead. A good run through the vents always tires me out,” he replied. He cursed himself; it was a weak argument in the first place, not to mention he didn’t fit in most of the vents in the Tower. Natasha would slap him upside the head for dropping the ball like this. “Besides, haven’t you had enough coffee for the day?” He wanted to slap himself upside the head. How was he this bad at undercover work?  
Jane’s eyes narrowed and suddenly there was a knife in her hand. Steve’s eyes bugged out as he pressed further back against the counter. “You must have run into Darcy then, huh? She’s the only one ballsy enough to say no when I ask for coffee.” She spun the knife in her hand, moving from a forward grip to a reverse grip and Steve suddenly wished he had his shield.   
“Uh, no, no. Just thinking that everyone here seems a little on edge and you should all cut back,” he offered. Jane spun the knife again, and it was obvious that Nat had been teaching her. She cocked her eyebrow and moved her hand slightly. Steve twitched into a more defensive position.  
“See, I think you’re lying,” she said, moving a step closer. She suddenly launched herself at him. He ducked, her foot catching his hair. She flipped off the counter behind him and he rolled to avoid her. She landed in a roll, crouching and hissing at him like a cornered animal. She launched herself again, pushing off the cabinet to her left and catching his neck in the crook of her knee. They went down. He managed to get his arm around her leg and twist himself free. They pulled themselves to their feet and circled each other. Steve hoped she would stop attacking soon; he didn’t want to hurt her.   
“Jane, put the knife down!” called Darcy from the doorway. Jane turned and hurled the knife at her before launching herself at Steve. It clanged off Bucky’s arm. “No coffee! Go to bed!” Steve caught her and held her around the waist off the ground.   
“NO!” yelled Jane, crossing her arms and huffing. Steve started humming a lullaby, and she struggled for a few moments before relaxing. Her eyes fluttered shut and she cuddled into him. He shifted his hold on her to more of a princess carry. Bucky had picked up Jane’s knife and had his arm wrapped around Darcy’s waist.   
“Oh, thank God,” sighed Darcy, slumping against her boyfriend. “Can you put her on the couch? We’ll get her into a real bed later.” Steve shifted, scooping Jane up securely into his arms. She snuggled into his chest as he walked her into the living room. He set her on the large sectional, and she curled up into the back of it as he draped an afghan over her.   
“Sorry, Steve,” she mumbled, as she slipped deeper into sleep. Steve ruffled her hair and went back to the kitchen.   
“Why is Jane a ninja?” he asked as he walked into the kitchen, glancing down at his phone. He got no response, so he looked up, only to be greeted by the sight of Darcy and Bucky trying to devour each other’s faces. “Not in the goddamn kitchen,” he groaned, turning to bang his head against the doorframe. He stopped when his forehead encountered a soft hand. Nat was smiling up at him.   
“You guys find Jane?” she asked, wrapping her arms around his waist.   
“Yeah,” groaned Steve, resting his head in Nat’s hair. He wound his arms around her and kissed her forehead. He didn’t even question how she knew they were looking for Jane. “What is it with you ladies and threatening me with knives when you don’t have coffee?” Nat laughed as they headed to his apartment to cuddle and watch a movie.


End file.
